what do I want?
10 April 2004 @ 00:46
Today I saw the boyfriend figure and didn't have to drive through Columbus to do so. Keith's flight back from Las Vegas put him through Cleveland. He had an hour layover there, and I had plenty of free time before work, so I drove to the airport to see him.
Yes, I am a dork. I don't care. I had missed him. And it was nice to see a happy, silly, mobile Keith compared to a grumpy one tied down to an IV pole and sleeping between bites of food that I had seen just a week or so earlier.
Being a caretaker is much different than being a friend.
So that was the highlight of my day.
Sometimes, the ways Keith and I have been interacting since his surgery make me wonder about Sophon. I don't think he's really made a decision. I'm not sure if I want him to make a decision.
On one hand, I'm afraid of the changes that Sophon's presence will bring. I won't be able to just go over to Keith's alone to hang out or play pool. And when I would go over, she would be there to answer the doorbell. (Oh my goodness, I'd have to ring the doorbell!) I don't think I would be able to contribute much to Darkwave Productions. I would have suppress the urge to call him. Our conversation would probably only fall on drill weekends, and be similiar to the false "hey-how-are-you-doing-what's-going-on" chit chat that doesn't fool the older females. And somewhere in there I fear that those same older females will just have an I-told-you-so look, even when they didn't, and continue to gossip. I'm afraid of being completely alone in a strange city.
On the other, I imagine myself falling into his insecurities. Somewhere down the road I might just look back and wonder what I'm missing, then get up, go out, and get it. Leaving him behind to, once again, deal with rejection. He does sound like he wants to settle down and be serious. This does and does not bother me. I want security but it wasn't until recently that there could possibly be something more than a short-term relationship. Him getting legally, seriously married again to an American woman? Hard for me to imagine. And myself, even with the Wedding Money, might kick at scream at the thought of it. Another fear is, dare I say it, children. If it got to that point, would I actually want human children that require much more attention than a dog or cat? I've never really thought of myself as the nuturing motherly type. That just wasn't a part of growing up I've fully accepted yet. And for an older male to have children that are free from mutations and healthy is not always a good chance. He is most likely going to die before I will and I'm going to be minus best friend and companion.
So, yes, much freaking out on both sides of the scale. I wonder what happened to taking everything a day at a time.
There's a third, much quieter option, that creeps into my head. It is not a decision for him to make, but quite possibly may make a decision for him.
I could go Active. I could go study to be a linguist for a year in California. To satisfy my mother (who is a good Polack at heart) there would be plenty of males to sort through to find a good husband. It would be my great escape.
Then all of it, even his decision between Sophon and myself, comes back to if that is really what I want.
Question is: what do I want?
--Annie