letter to my brother

16 September 2005 @ 00:09

Get your facts straight. You ARE a whore and I am an Asshole BUT, its not a 3 grand computer, its a $1500 computer. You wonder why Im such a dick to you, if youd take a step outside of your little world and see that you get what you deserve then you would fully understand.

Dear Asshole,

I have my facts straight.

The computer was $3000 before Dad's discount, which is the only reason why you called that night -- because you wanted his discount. Now why in the world you thought Dad was actually going to buy you that computer or why you thought that crying to Mom about it would do anything, I don't know. I'm not a mindreader and I never will be.

I'm sorry, but you have a job. You claim to be independent from us. And just where does your paycheck go? The fastest high speed internet. The best digital cable. A cell phone plan for you and your girlfriend. A few bills. Insurance. You can't even buy a car because your money has been sucked up by all of this bullshit. Yes, it is bullshit. You don't need digital cable to survive. You don't need the fastest cable internet connection to get by. Especially when you work at a gas station making $10 or less an hour. Especially when you could be doing something useful with your money like saving it or maybe, just maybe, paying the fee to take your GED. And, yes, I do know this stuff. Do you think that we don't talk?

Point two. You are an asshole because you:

Moved out and dropped out of high school because you were pissed at Dad, who wouldn't let you see your girlfriend because you were in danger of not graduating
You have lied consistently to me, to Mom and Dad, to other family members, to friends, to anyone who even asks you about your life. And you don't lie about just little things. You lie about your level of education, your girlfriend (ex: how college was being paid for), how life is, work, EVERYTHING.
You conviently show up or call when you want money or something you can't afford.
You have not had an active role in family-related matters (ex: Gram being in the hospital several times and you bother to show up maybe once or twice) or only come around when you know there's something in it for you.
You are cowardly enough to attack me through my guestbook -- not even email -- but my guestbook of all places.
You are also cowardly enough to never show up when I'm around. Do you think I don't notice that? Gee, I guess you know that you'll get an earful of how stupid you're being.
You are even more cowardly enough to be escorted on a dinner date.
You are a coward. Period.
You call other people names to feel good about yourself.
You have neglected a good part of your friends. Who, by the way, don't care AT ALL for your girlfriend, and for many a good reason.

Point three: a whore, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is:

a woman who engages in sexual acts for money
a promiscuous or immoral woman
a male who engages in sexual acts for money
a venal or unscrupulous person

Some of my favorite relevant definitions by the Urban Dictionary are as follows:

A woman that sleeps with everyone.
A woman who sleeps with you for something in exchange, usually money.
someone who has sex with a lot of people, usually very friviously

And so on and so forth...

Point three A: Excuse me, but you don't even live here, you're not a part of my life, so who are you to comment on my sex life? You just use that word to get under my skin.

Point three B: If you are going to use that word with ANYONE, maybe you ought to check up on your own personal life and your significant other. I'm sorry, but if someone claims to be in a committed relationship with talk of marriage and babies and the whole kit'n'kaboodle, and then goes out and chases skirts, I'd say there is a serious conflict of interest. Serious, serious conflict of interest. I don't care how much she says she loves you. That's just WRONG and you're going to get your heart broken eventually.

Dude, I do take a step "outside of [my] little world" EVERY day. I can see things your way, really I can. And what I see scares me. You think the world is out to hate you, your parents won't give you what you need to survive, no one wants you around, your sister wants nothing to do with you and hates your guts, you make jack for pay and can barely pay your bills, and dear ol' sis and the parental units have it made but won't share.

Sorry, but that's NOT how it is. You need professional mental help because I'm not even going to bother to help you straighten most of that mess out.

But do know this: we do love you and we do miss you. I just can't effing deal with you like this -- when you think you know everything and have it all figured out. You don't. You haven't finished high school, you're stuck in a job that is just going to suck the life out of you, and you're more intent on burning bridges instead of building -- or rebuilding -- them. Wake up, grow up, be the man that you claim to be and get your act together. And that doesn't mean picking up an extra shift or cleaning your room, either.

As for "[I] get what [I] deserve": Yes, I do, thank you very much. I've worked hard to get where I am today. All the studying I did in high school. Dating Clayton. Three months in a strange place with strangers and going to bed so tired and sore every single night from pushing my body so hard during the day. Meeting Andre online. The semester in Akron, working the late shift at Wal-Mart and going to class exhausted. Dating Keith. A summer in the shop, being sexually harassed but making good money for a few weeks. My first full year at Youngstown, staying up late and studying like crazy. Going to Brazil, twice. Army related things. Gram and Mom in the hospital. Keith's wife coming over from Cambodia. Andre's medical problems.

Yet. I'm an honor student with a scholarship. I don't pay for school. Clayton is a wonderful friend, Keith is still giving me a hand when he can, and my relationship with Andre has been a wonderful surprise and experience. I'm learning a third language, although slowly. I'm probably going to study overseas. A better understanding of Gram's health condition and knowing that Mom's thing wasn't as serious as we had thought. Learning about what kind of enviroments I prefer to work in and what kind of people I like to surround myself with.

Or were you referring to my relationship with you? As far as I'm concerned, I am justified to feel this way. I've been lied to, hurt, deceived, and manipulated by you one too many times. Do I care that you don't want to talk to me? Not really. I actually prefer it that way, because I know that if you don't bother to talk to me you're not going to lie to me again. And if you don't lie to me again, then you can't hurt me. Plain and simple as that. And since you can't seem to talk to anyone in the family without lying about something or the other, I just don't see the point of trying to have a civil conversation with you. Just not worth it, quite frankly.

So your actions to me? Don't mean much, really. Yeah, you can be "such a dick" but that's your protective shell. You're just a big coward that can't get what he wants out of life and makes no steps towards getting what he wants. So instead he calls his sister names while she goes out and lives her life and he's stuck with a girlfriend who is not cheating but is not entirely faithful and a low-paying job. Sorry that you have to be such a bully.

Also, sorry that you can't accept that you can't handle most of what I've said to you or in your general direction. You are seriously disturbed and need professional mental help. The world -- and this family -- does not revolve around you. We. Do. Not. Revolve. Around. You. There are four people and three cats in this family. If anyone revolves around anyone, it's us around the cats.

I tend to write/say/yell/scream exactly what you do NOT want to hear. And you know that. And I know that. And you don't deal with that very well, so go get professional mental help to get rid of your blinders. I have not physically harmed you. I have not emotionally abused you. I have told you exactly what you did not want to hear at times that you did not want to hear it, because you think that you have it all figured out. Sorry, wrong.

If anyone should be screaming "oh, look what you did to me!" it shouldn't be you. You have beat me on more than one occassion, you have picked me up off the floor strangled me, you have continued to call me various negative names, and you have persistantly been negative about my life and goals. Now, if you've done that to your sister, who's to say what you'll do to your wife?

And I'm NOT ashamed or afraid to post that to the world, because everyone who knows me or you has a right to know that.

You don't get it, do you? You are an asshole. A disturbed, greedy, and self-centered one at that. Get over the fact that I'm going to say nice things about you, think nice thoughts about you, and write nice things about you. It's not going to happen. You've hurt me deeply in more than one way. In my eyes, you've completely knocked yourself off track and don't seem to give a damn about anyone except yourself. Only you don't even respect yourself.

Want to know something else? No one is forcing you to read this. If you hate me so much, then why do you bother to get updates from this diary and Mom? If you don't like what you read or hear, then get lost. You're not wanted here anyways.

Grow up.
--Annie

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