contamination
05 June 2004 @ 23:50
I want to crawl into a hole and die.
Mom and I went up to camp today with the specific purpose of talking to Travis. It was my idea. Mom kept saying that she thought it was crazy. I'm not sure if it did any good.
It didn't go well. He was avoidant at first. Then he threatened harm if I spoke. Eventually I just got so fed up with his bullshit that I couldn't keep quiet any longer. There was much yelling and screaming and stomping feet and flailing arms at him. The Amazing Silent Shadow came outside and I did the same to her. I'm sure a few 12 year-olds learned a few new words thanks to my big mouth. Before I knew it there was a burning cigarette flicked into my face. Trying to be the macho officer captain he thinks he is, he ordered a couple other officers to escort me to the band hall. Because they are also my friends and I respect them, I left willingly, crying on several shoulders.
Judy, the administrative in-charge person, saw me and kept yelling about how this was band camp and to keep the family arguments at home.
With Travis, there is no home. It needed to be done at a place where he wouldn't run away. Where he wouldn't avoid us. This talk, or what was left of it, was long past due.
Yet I feel like an idiot for thinking that this stupid idea would work and go smoothly. I ruined my happy place by bringing unhappy things to it. I've contaminated it.
And tomorrow, everyone will be talking.
I don't think I care anymore. I just don't fucking care anymore.
I just want the tears, the hurting, the yelling, the pain, the misperceptions, and the lies to stop. I want to be able to look at my brother and not see how miserable or hurt he is. I want to look at him and not feel angry for all the pain he's caused. I want my brother back.
Is that too much to ask?
--Annie