self-discovery
16 February 2004 @ 05:46
I think I'm at the point in my life where it's okay to just be adrift. To be detached, to go where I want.
Perhaps it has a bit to do with the fact that during most of my life I've been isolated either in a small town or out in the country. There I felt like I was stuck in the hamster wheel effect. You know, where the little hamster just runs but the only thing different is the fact that the wheel is turning. He isn't going anywhere. There was no diversity. There was no leaving my comfort zone. If it was weird or different, it was frowned upon. Not that my classmates realized that was what was going on. We were all seemingly cookie-cutter gingerbread men from the same dough parading around as teenagers. The differences, if any, were usually subtle.
Then there's the situation of my family. I love them. When I need someone to talk to but don't want to explain something or deal with bullshit, I'll talk to my mom. When I need career advice, my dad will dish. When I need someone to just be geeky with and talk about stuff out there in the world, I'll talk to my brother.
Due to personality conflicts, I can't live with them. Dad is a neat freak and likes having stuff done early while I tend to be messy and a procrastinator. Mom pries too much for my taste and would love for me to stay, even when she knows it means heated arguments. Travis and I always have some sort of friction -- he had a hard time adjusting to living with me when I came back from training. On top of that, he likes to wait until the last minute to do anything while I like to be ten minutes early. And of course there's the sibling stuff constantly going on.
I just want to be on my own. To stand on my own two feet. To know that I can do it. Not that I've been very successful with it, but I'm learning. That's the important part.
I don't want to follow the same beaten trail as everyone else, but I'm not sure why I feel like that. Maybe watching my older female cousins go through the college-marriage-baby cycle one too many times made me change my mind. Maybe I've never identified with them.
The point is that I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, and be anything I want. I am on a road of self-discovery.
And I like it that way.
--Annie